I hate my Future

2007-05-31T22:34:00.000+08:00

no matter what happens... i can handle it!

Who is me?
Lex Tan!!

Life

2007-05-31T21:55:00.000+08:00

I never felt so down before..
so hopeless about life..
so morose..
im so sick of life..

just imagine a doctor in a hospital..
his goal is to save as many life as possible..
But one day.. the purpose has become numb.. so meaningless..
who is going to save the doctor when hes down..?
im just like that doctor..
that goal has died completed..

i believe everything i do.. there is a purpose.. there is a goal.. i have lost both of them.. totally.. there is no more drive in me..? whats the point of me always helping pple around me? i always helped.. always care.. always put other before else.. but who is going to help me at this moment when im down? no one.. im completed demoralised..

i has become unhelpful..
uncaring..
heck care attitude.
u die is none of my business..
selfish..
irriating..
gloomy all day long..

no one cares.. there isnt any angel left in my world.. nothing.. nothing..

i tried to fight..
i persisted..
It just takes more than anything on earth to execute this greatest enemy of mine.. living inside me..

Dream..

2006-08-04T16:59:00.000+08:00

Dream Philosophy

According to Nietzsche, "In the ages of the rude beginning of culture, man believed that he was discovering a second real world in dream, and here is the origin of all metaphysics. Without dreams, mankind would never have had occasion to invent such a division of the world. The parting of soul and body goes also with this way of interpreting dreams; likewise, the idea of a soul's apparitional body: whence all belief in ghosts, and apparently, too, in gods."

Dreaming are based on the idea of repressed longing -- the desires that we aren't able to express in a social setting. Dreams allow the unconscious mind to act out those unacceptable thoughts and desires. For this reason, his theory about dreams focuses primarily on sexual desires and symbolism.

Dream Recall
It is said that five minutes after the end of a dream, we have forgotten 50 percent of the dream's content. Ten minutes later, we've forgotten 90 percent of its content. Why is that? We don't forget our daily actions that quickly. The fact that they are so hard to remember makes their importance seem less.

How to Improve Your Dream Recall? Go yahoo find.. too many ways.. haha..

Controlling DreamsLucid

DreamingThere is a lot of research being done in dream control, particularly in the areas of lucid dreaming and dream incubation. Lucid dreaming is a learned skill and occurs when you are dreaming, you realize you are dreaming and you are able to then control what happens in your dream -- all while you're still asleep.
Being able to control your dreams would be a very cool thing to be able to do, but it is a difficult skill that usually takes special training. It is estimated that fewer than 100,000 people in the United States have the ability to have lucid dreams.

I think i am able to control too.. i think everyone is thinking they are able too.. don think too much.. haha..

Dream Incubation

Dream incubation is learning to plant a seed for a specific dream topic to occur. For example, you might go to bed repeating to yourself that you'll dream about a presentation you have coming up or a vacation you just took. Those who believe in problem solving through dreams use this technique to direct their dreams to the specific topic.

Next time when you face a big problem.. do what it mentioned above, and solve it in ur dream.. this is COOL man!

What do dreams mean?

Falling

You're falling, falling, falling... and then you wake up. This is a very common dream and is said to symbolize insecurities and anxiety. Something in your life is essentially out of control and there is nothing you can do to stop it. Another interpretation is that you have a sense of failure about something. Maybe you're not doing well in school or at work and are afraid you're going to be fired or expelled. Again, you feel that you can't control the situation.

Being chased

The ever-popular chase dream can be extremely frightening. What it usually symbolizes is that you're running away from your problems. What that problem is depends on who is chasing you. It may be a problem at work, or it may be something about yourself that you know is destructive. For example, you may be drinking too much, and your dream may be telling you that your drinking is becoming a real problem.

Taking an exam

(or forgetting that you have one)This is another very common dream. You suddenly realize you are supposed to be taking an exam at that very moment. You might be running through the hallways and can't find the classroom. This type of dream can have several variations that have similar meanings. (Maybe your pen won't write, so you can't finish writing your answers.) What experts say this may mean is that you're being scrutinized about something or feel you're being tested -- maybe you're facing a challenge you don't think you're up to. You don't feel prepared or able to hold up to the scrutiny. It may also mean there is something you've neglected that you know needs your attention.

Flying

Many flying dreams are the result of lucid dreaming. Not all flying dreams are, however. Typically, dreaming that you are flying means you are on top of things. You are in control of the things that matter to you. Or, maybe you've just gained a new perspective on things. It may also mean you are strong willed and feel like no one and nothing can defeat you. If you are having problems maintaining your flight, someone or something may be standing in the way of you having control. If you are afraid while flying, you may have challenges that you don't feel up to.

Running,

but going nowhereThis theme can also be part of the chasing dream. You're trying to run, but either your legs won't move or you simply aren't going anywhere -- as if you were on a treadmill. According to some, this dream means you have too much on your plate. You're trying to do too many things at once and can't catch up or ever get ahead.

Your teeth falling out

Many people have dreams that they lose all of their teeth. In this dream, they may feel something strange in their mouth and then spit teeth into their hand, eventually losing all of their teeth. According to some, our teeth are related to our sense of power and our ability to communicate. Losing our teeth not only makes us embarrassed by our appearance, which hinders our communications, but it also lessens our power because we may not speak our minds. It's also associated with feelings about our appearance.

Recurring Dreams and Nightmares

Many people have the same or a similar dream many times, over either a short period of time or their lifetime. Recurring dreams usually mean there is something in your life you've not acknowledged that is causing stress of some sort. The dream repeats because you have not corrected the problem. Another theory is that people who experience recurring dreams have some sort of trauma in their past they are trying to deal with. In this case, the dreams tend to lessen with time.

Nightmares are dreams that are so distressing they usually wake us up, at least partially. Nightmares can occur at any age but are seen in children with the most frequency. Nightmares usually cause strong feelings of fear, sadness or anxiety. Their causes are varied. Some medications cause nightmares (or cause them if you discontinue the medication abruptly). Traumatic events also cause nightmares.

Treatment for recurring nightmares usually starts with interpreting what is going on in the dream and comparing that with what is happening in the person's life. Then, the person undergoes counseling to address the problems that are presumably causing the nightmare. Some sleep centers offer nightmare therapy and counseling. Another method of treating nightmares is through lucid dreaming. Through lucid dreaming, the dreamer can confront his or her attacker and, in some cases, end the nightmares.

hehe.. understand better wif your daily dreams? now slp well and dream on!! i love to dreammm! yeah!

DeStress!

2006-07-17T14:36:00.000+08:00

Ahhhh.. siannn ah.. really whole day seeing text.. come blog also type text.. kena sai.. for those who are bored.. heres a short entertainment for u.. click here..

MORE VIDEOS TO DESTRESS!

Video 1
Video 2

i just love the way i am..

2006-07-14T09:18:00.000+08:00

Felt great yesterday! Awesome! Terrific! haha.. coz i helped wanyi and her group including lynette to do her project.. i did a so so flash .. haha.. its about blood donation thingy.. if you are interested to view click here.. the rest of her classmates gave me some comments on the flash.. its funny and hilarious! haha.. at that moment i just cant stop smiling to myself.. lol..

In my life.. i really like to help pple.. as long as it can bring them smile.. laugher or even happiness.. i don expect any returns or anything from them.. In this way.. somehow i feel satisfaction in my life by helping those who need help from me.. something i feel that is meaningful to do.. Helping others is a joy to me.. =)

don say those pple who know i will help and make use of me.. just dunno how to comment on them.. anyway.. as long as its not to the very extent of help.. i wouldnt mind lending my helping hand.. haha..

Looking forward to meet my gf later.. 6hrs 31mins 20 secs more! haha.. miss ya DeaR! i help u cut ur hair hao ma..? baobei skilled one..^.^

part 2

2006-07-12T09:08:00.000+08:00

Yesterday i was extremely furious and petrified by woony's action.. he actually gonna do some cheating in our MoF project.. given the floor plan which was too big to fix in nicely in the webpage.. he suggested cutting out part of the floor plan where there were repeated row of desks.. and told us no need to tell the client abt it.. here goes..

LeX: (Calling..) Eh se bei bei.. stop surfing porn in ur smelly office.. come up and help us think how to settle the floor plan.. we are really out of ideas..

Woony: (Calling) okok.. alright.. i discontinue my porno stuff first.. i very busy one u know..

LeX: ( i wonder what type of ideas he can come out sia.. given his daily routine inside his office..)

Meanwhile.. waiting for that se bei bei..

LeX: Gosh! why he so long one..? wanking inside his office izzit.. kaoooo.. my gf waiting for me leh!!

To DeaR: sorry DeaR.. made u waited so long.. i really want to go down pei you de.. but the moment i went down.. that woony come to my room.. i got no choice.. lucky got jasmine and vanessa pei ni.. if not i would worried for ur loneliness in sch.. baobao.. DeaR DeaR.. i miss u=)

Ahem.. back to my conversation.. LOL..

After 45mins of intense waiting.. Finally!~ the God oF Porn has arrived!

Woony: sorry ah lex.. i gotta clean up myself in my room just now.. kena some kopi O on my pants..

LeX: ( as if i would believe u ah se bei bei..)

Woony: k LeX.. come.. ( at the main computer) how abt i cut out some repeated parts of the floor plan..?

LeX: Cut WHAT?

Woony: Floor plan..

LeX the What?

Woony: The floor plan..

LeX: What the?

Woony: FuCk.. stop it.. why cannot?

LeX: Gosh.. tell me how you gonna explain to the client abt cuting away a part of the floor plan..

Woony: NO NEED to SAY! they wont discover it at all..

LeX: what the fuck? u treat them as idiots..? k don mention abt the clients then.. tell me how the new staff going to navigate..? looking at the map 1 row of desk.. then go walk the real place got 4 rows? what the? they will end up losing themselves in MoF building u know?

Woony: don worry.. how would they go count how many rows of desks in the floor plan..?

LeX: (FuCk sia.. im really pissed.. even teacher also heck caring the project.. resort to cheating? somemore don tell the client what he do after that? Somehow.. my mind is telling me gotta do some justice to this society.. by turning aganist woony's idea..)

LeX: You will never know.. se hui de bai lei.. make the image bigger and act a scroll bar can already rite?

Woony: cannot ah.. like that hard to navigate the floor plan.. need to scroll there and here..

After 15mins of discussing.. i insisted on my idea.. and im glad that my team members agreed wif me.. Somehow i felt a chilled on my spine that something bad gonna happened to my grading.. perhaps he gonna mark my grade lower for not agreeing his idea.. perhaps i thought too much.. but if it was so.. and my grp members' grading was also affected.. i gonna do justice to this society again.. complain till he die..

End of Part 2! haha..

hehe..

2006-07-10T21:22:00.000+08:00

Pissed wif woon today man.. that woony complain and complain.. although i didnt kena anything.. but the girls in my grp kena.. holy shit the woony.. kena sai one.. eat full liao lao sai den nth better to do go catch huishan and crystal without strap.. hahah.. don think the wrong stuff.. its slippers strap.. not that kind of strappppp..! haha.. he ah.. at first joke joke smile smile.. asking why wear slippers.. here goes..

Woony: Eh! ShuI JinG! How Come you din wear any strap!?

Crystal: (checking) got la u se bei bei..!

LeX: (OMG! she go check somemore!)

Woony: Stop lying! U din wear any!.. I don care.. by hook or by crook u must go borrow from others.. if not i -8hrs from ur flexi leave..

Crystal: (sia la.. this kinda of thing how to borrow sia? he retard izzit? zzz) Okok i go borrow now..

LeX: eh se bei bei.. today morning raining la.. all the straps wet already.. no choice la.. don blame her already.. she also don wan de ma..

Woony: what wet..? don try to cover for them ah lex.. i know u are trying to help her..

LeX: where got? im saying the truth! u faggot.. cant u just let her go once..? u se bei bei.. i been noticing u from the start u keep peeping at crystal rite? u pervert.. still ask her go borrow den meanwhile u go follow her rite? i cant believe this.. i gonna do some justice to this society..

TAKE THAT! AH BiSH!
He deserved it.. LOL..

This story is nonsense.. its just for entertainment.. plz don believe that it really happened..

Thats the end for woony.. haha.. stay tune for part 2!

2006-07-06T12:15:00.000+08:00

Seriously speaking.. im living happier than i were in last year.. in that sense in year 1.. i was really a moody person.. the reason was because i was a very deep thinker.. in other words im a planner.. i can plan all i can thinking as far ahead as i can.. though sometimes its gd coz i get to plan and manage my time..

However, it somehow backfired.. once a person thinks a lot.. he thinks of gd things as well as bad things.. lets say in my relationship.. i used to worry a lot for my girlfriend.. coz she is a soft hearten person and easily get bullied.. so i feared the guys buzzing around her.. thinking that she will get hurt.. sometimes i even let myself into a jealousy state which i really cant control.. all these matters coz many unhappy moments wif my gf.. its just the way how i see things and think.. Thus, i hardly happy everyday.. let even a smile.. of coz there were other factors to contributed.. money crisis and my skin situation..

now in year 2.. i am really living my life to the fullest.. heck caring every single matter and particles around me.. hhaa.. guess i really have a new way of looking on life.. every problem i encounter.. i minimized to the smallest and tackle it.. to others it seems to be like a big problem.. but to me.. its just another problem.. coz i don wan to live inside the problems..

Problems are problematic.. why let all these problematic problems come and disrupt ur way of living? im not saying try to avoid the problem.. but in a way think of a better way to tackle them.. dunno how to.. seek advices from others.. don live inside the problem urself.. you will not be able to take it one day.. most importantly.. don think so much..<---- Tip of the Day!

Look for friends.. share them ur problems.. its the best thing to do..

It's the friends you can call up at four a.m. that matter. <---- Quote of the DaY!

I really love my DeaR a lot.. hopefully she will be the one i will be living with.. living with me the rest of my life.. hehe.. got see ma DeaR? i give u my words.. i will do a decent proposal! haha.. muacks si! ^.^

Gotta rush out! tml xiaohuan's birthday! gotta buy present! ahha.. still need to lackey around chinatown for bakery shop.. if not tml panic die.. no CAKE! haha.. CycLing there right now! vrooommmmmmmmm!!!

Lots of things to write..

2006-07-04T22:33:00.000+08:00

Come to think of it im really pissed wif my grade c+ for the first 7 weeks.. I should have gotten A in the first place if i did not committed the 2 offences.. what kind of shitty world im living in? gave me a c+.. freaking assholes.. average student would get b+ if they got no bad conduct.. bloody hell.. i did so much work.. being a leader.. doing the flash.. straining my eyes and time doing the freaking flash.. what did i get in the end..? c+? thats all i got.. coz of 2 offences.. first one is the most unreasonable.. never wear formal.. i really got nth to comment abt it.. the teachers really took into consideration and black me down as bad conduct.. 2nd one i admitted was my fault.. pon 2 hrs then kena caught.. but that doesnt really reflect so badly on my grade.. c+.. that 2 fuckers(teachers) gave me a c+.. the most b- or b+.. down my grade till c+? fuck it.. i lost all my motivation and interest in doing my work.. whats the use..? the teachers doesnt have gd impression of me at all.. nvm.. since they doesnt recongise my talents.. forget it.. anyway this all tep is screwed up.. i no need this poly cert to help me find work next time.. i use my own brain.. zzz.. Come to think of it.. the world is really unfair..

Haiz.. i really very headache.. no cert really cannot make it.. in this freaking reality world.. talk abt cert and degrees.. most important thing.. all talk abt money.. need money need to earn.. freak it..

Everytime i try to fly.. i fall without my wings..

no matter how hard i tried.. the world is always unfair.. somehow im not fated to have gd grades..

HAIZ!! just now talked to jek yew on msn.. really made my blood boiled.. he got A or maybe higher for his first 7 weeks grade.. den he come to me and talked abt how busy he was and handle a lot of work then got A one.. this one nvm.. he continued saying the teacher gave me c+ was because wan me to work harder.. i was really angry abt it.. what kind of logic was this..? haiz.. but i knew what he meant was to comfort me.. thanks bro..
LeTs not talk abt the matter again..

Today i went to east coast! wif xiaohuan, crystal and huishan! haha.. pple say i happy man.. got gf already still got 3 girls accompanying me go east coast.. haha.. i replied wif a expression.. Bullshit face lor.. haha.. perhaps its like xi guan to me already.. nowadays need hanging out wif them till numb already.. haha..

The start of the day.. not really pleased wif the outing.. orginally there should be 8 pple.. manchui, hazel, peishan and karen.. suddenly all got reasons then unable to make it.. haiz.. totally disappointed.. hopefully the next outing they would be there.. =)

And then.. still not so bad.. 3 of them went cycling then i went roller blading.. haha.. suddenly im in love wif blading.. its so fun.. its like no need to walk.. then just roll and roll.. hha.. sounds childish? haha..

ONE THING I WANNA COMPLAIN! They took pictures always left me out.. damn sad.. den i always need to squeeze myself inside.. haha.. dunno why they always laugh when i smile.. siao ONe!

After That.. stood on the rock.. blowing sea breeze and let the sea water splash at us.. i guess we looked quite retarded.. haha.. ask they squat down then when the water splash up see who was the first one to stand up lose.. haha.. didnt expect they said okay! suddenly so on.. haha.. maybe its just soon bian they also wanna play only.. lol..

Later On.. we went to MacDonalds wash up den ate and chat chat lor.. then go home le.. i cut short a lot.. tired.. wanna slp.. haha.. nitez!

I miss you DeaR.. wanna baobao u lots.. muacks si.. ^.^

Another entry

2006-04-06T21:47:00.000+08:00

Tonight.. actually wan to go her hse for the class de.. but last min she told me working late.. gotta teach ah dai.. here i sad again.. but nvm.. but then.. still got the urge to go out.. coz very sad.. very bored.. got nth to do.. so take my bike and go cycle.. then soon bian go distribute flyers.. but actually is go serganoon to see DeaR.. so stupid rite.. haha..

On the way there was truly a gloomy journey.. i almost got hit by car.. horned by bus.. and almost lost control of my front wheel.. gosh.. what am i doing.. haiz.. but lucky under god's bless.. im alright.. cried twice on the way.. thinking of my skin i just don feel like doing anything.. been 2-3 days. no sign of recovery.. really feel like dying.. its so itchy.. go ugly.. so disgusting after a bathe.. the skin just drop off and the red blood wounds and come out.. my bed are stained wif blood.. blood.. i guess no one can feel how bitter i am now.. i got no one to turn to.. no friends to talk to.. DeaR working these 2 days.. full shift somemore.. why still work? everytime say pei me.. when u come and pei me everytime? when i need u where are u? i need a shoulder.. but theres none for me there.. im sad.. my life is so sad.. full of sadness.. theres rarely a few days im happy.. barely..

finally reached serganoon.. whoa.. long time no see de place.. a little bit of miss there.. haha.. wanted to find DeaR.. but held back.. dunno why.. then i straight away go fen flyers.. ah.. yongjia hse there so easy.. all the letter boxes super old one.. hehe.. then i also lazy to go upstairs and fen.. then i just fen the letter boxes.. hehe..

Within minutes i finished.. shiok.. then got this super big duper urge to see DeaR.. miss her a lot.. wan to see her.. wan to baobao her.. these few days really hard to live without see her.. haha.. vroommmmmmmm.. here i gooooooo to her shop...!

Ah! saw her.. so happy.. green shirt wif blue jeans.. so cute.. hehe.. but i stood outside the shop waiting for her to see me.. but to my dismay.. after standing there for 45mins.. she never see me.. sad.. i just ride my bike and go.. but still happy.. =)

Reached home.. bathed.. on the phone wif her.. suddenly sadness engulfed me again.. shes going work this week and next week again.. again and again.. teaching the newcomer ah dai.. her cousin.. she say shes not working.. this week and next week de.. another lie.. why again? no one in the shop can teach him meh? only my DeaR.. if dai needs her then i how? i dying for her already.. from the start of my holiday i asking her.. when u not working? always tell me maybe last week of the holiday or 2 weeks before.. i guess its all crap now.. it may seems that i can live without u.. but the truth is.. i can't live a single day without ur existence.. maybe there are days i wan to be alone myself.. but i am more looking forwards to the days wif u..

Guess these days i really need her.. really.. but i am still left alone.. facing the problem myself.. after telling her that im really sad over my skin.. still remember was last night that i told her that i din wan to see her coz of my skin.. then she say i always keep to myself.. now she know le.. but she still go work today.. sometimes think that.. am i important to her? of coz she will say yes.. but in this case.. i really need her a lot today.. but she was not there.. she just dunno how sad i am..

Day After day

2006-04-06T13:19:00.000+08:00

Lots of things i wanna express my feelings into words.. Too hard.. Too much.. Too miserable my life is..

Right now sitting infront of my computer.. seriously.. i got nth to do.. and is finding things desperately to do to pass my precious time.. time needed to earn $.. i need $ badly.. gotta buy a lot of things.. and this few days rotting at home.. i think a lot of things..

I really don feel like going out.. but my skin is almost as disgusting as any common skin diseases.. yes.. its that bad.. i gonna get it healed.. no matter what..

All these while.. so many things happened.. quarrel wif my bro over the tuition agency.. locking myself up in a room.. suffering the skin problem myself.. i find that im really a person who always solo.. the tuition thingy supposed to do wif my bro.. end up i doing myself.. seriously.. anyone would be disappointed if her partner left the business.. i just have to say that.. its part of my life.. and i gotta move on.. hoping i can cope wif it.. but right now i isnt doing anything.. i just slacking everyday at home.. rotting..

The skin.. i just locked myself in the room.. don wan anyone to see it.. neither do my DeaR.. just don wan.. din realised that i doing the wrong thing.. DeaR say when things happen.. i always encounter the problem myself and not sharing wif her.. yup.. shes true.. im like that.. just dunno why.. but now i will share everything wif her.. so that she is not sad.. neither do i wan myself to be sad.. haiz.. talking abt now.. i really got nth to do.. typing this blog to pass my time..

Learning Piano these few days.. but my skin keep disrupting my concentration.. its so itchy.. haiz.. really pissed off.. seriously im sufforcating in this room of mine.. staying inside for more than 72hrs already.. day by day.. hr by hr.. min by min.. sec by sec.. i just let it pass.. doing nth.. wanted to cry.. wanted to shout.. wan to talk to someone but no best friend in life.. nth.. my life is just DeaR.. without her is just me.. nth more.. these few days.. just got this feeling.. im single.. like having a single life de lifestyle.. sometimes like it a lot.. but if can go out will be better..

Really feel like talking to someone.. maybe hear some stories.. but.. think of it theres no one i wanna talk to.. i prefer female friends than guy friends.. but also cannot get too close wif female friends.. later they think i jerk or what.. got gf still get so close to girls.. and also i got gf.. also must be responsible and faithful.. haiz.. actually is i auto restrict myself to girls.. izzit a gd or bad thing? i dunno.. just can't behave the way i wanna be sometimes.. wats my behavior i also dunno.. lots of dunno in my life.. im getting more and more confused wif my life.. thats bad.. why like that..

Sometimes miss DeaR a lot a lot.. sometimes don even miss her.. sometimes just wanna be alone.. be myself in my lonely world.. no girls no objects no things.. just myself.. haha.. the first smile of today.. suddenly feel that i talk a lot of crap.. lol.. maybe thats why i got a lot dunnos.. haha.. don write liao.. so retarded..

Praying to God.. Please heal me.. forgive my sins..

PMS DAY

2006-03-21T22:14:00.000+08:00

TODAY IS PMS DAY.. what is happening sia.. i was still very happy today until around evening.. DeaR don seems to care abt me.. dunno why.. last time she can straight away msg me back de.. now average time 30-60mins then msg me back.. kinda sad.. i still can average out the time.. can see how many time she reply me late.. maybe she din notice it at all.. nvm.. i understand.. she is working ma..

Anyway.. at the same time i also got nth to do.. then very tired.. end up i getting more and more moody.. zzz.. am i really a girl in a man's body..? hmm.. maybe someday i would prefer guys.. muhahaha.. lol.. self entertainment.. ask jia play wif me FT.. he wan to play RO.. haiz.. i sick of RO already.. but at the same time im also damn sick of FT.. it seems that i got nth to do when i got back from work.. + my DeaR working.. reply me late as always.. sian ah.. suddenly so sian.. think of it.. yetersday was my happiest day of the month.. its been so long ever since i went mad and laugh and talk non-stop.. i usually keep quiet.. like now.. i don like opening my mouth.. abit pointless.. sian means sian.. haiz..

Talking abt yetersday.. i really happy.. got present.. got free meal.. got 2 times ^^.. got shopping awhile.. chit chat wif DeaR.. although all was crap.. but somehow i saw DeaR's eyes like lesser interest in me le.. haiz.. cham.. am i a boring person? i think i got no $ buy new things.. then the things i wear and do all like old stuff.. like become those black and white tv shows soon.. jia lat.. haha.. $ ah $ ah.. why earn so hard.. then use so easy one.. zzz..

i think i gotta slp early everynight.. slping now.. boo!

haha.. ke lian

2006-03-18T00:13:00.000+08:00

haha.. funny sia.. just now at bugis village don wan eat.. DeaR keep asking me..

"Baobei.. wanna eat ma?"

"I say no.. im quite full. =)"

"U sure? i thought u every 2hrs then must eat something one?"

Yea u are right DeaR, " nah.. im not hungry.. u eat ba.. what u wanna eat?"

haha.. right now here.. eating noodles.. quite pathetic rite? haha.. the cafe stuff so x.. but actually not v X also.. just that i don wan to spend anymore $ already.. today went out with around 60+bucks.. then DeaR gave me 30 bucks.. so i got 90+ bucks
After the end of today.. i left wif 25 bucks.. how poor i going to get? if i eat at the cafe.. thats it le.. i no need to buy the necklace for DeaR le.. hehe.. lucky i tahaned.. if not really no $.. but on that day i really die.. 20th.. 25 bucks buy necklace.. no need eat and go anywhere le.. haiz.. dunno how.. really bothering me.. nvm.. i go dig my coins.. hhehe..

I love u DeaR.. =)

I really dunno why..

2006-03-17T22:32:00.000+08:00

lots of things to say.. practically.. one word to describe today's east coast outing wif my gf and her friends.. gloomy..

sometimes im thinking why i love DeaR so much.. what are the things that make me love her? i dunno.. but i really pissed off by her a lot.. i really got no mood already( apparently is my skin again)..

Today fine sunny day.. reach east coast at noon.. then gotta wait for Jason.. what a faggot.. still slping when we already in paya labar.. lol.. almost all guys are like to slp in bed.. then end up late one.. den me, dear, joei, xianying and jason rollerblade! only me and jason know how to blade.. the rest cham.. of coz i gotta teach my gf.. hehe.. teaching her something again in east coast.. last time taught her cycling! haha.. muacks DeaR.. im happy that i have been the one that is teaching u things.. hehe..

but never except this.. im already not in a v gd mood.. and my DeaR really screwed up my calm mind and a relaxing body to east coast.. teach her how to blade.. she really screamed and shouted loudly.. i know she will la.. but.. its really v fuck up for me.. its so pericing.. my mood was completed disrupted and i really feel like walking off.. i really cannot tahan.. but i cannot bear to do it.. i just kept quiet all along the path.. holding her arm and just practically walk on the pavement with the blades..

3 things that really screwed up my day.. firstly.. my gf is a vegetarian.. but she keeps eating non vegetarian foods.. though she never eat meat.. but vegetarian and non-vegetarian foods really taste different.. wats the use of being a vegetarian and then keep eating non-vegetarian food? last time i kept letting her eat non-vegetarian food.. then sometimes fed her some fish and chicken meat.. coz i wan her to eat meat wif me.. that time i was really a selfish person.. really.. now she cannot revert back already.. shes used to non-vegetarian food.. i really feel like killing myself.. i really regretted.. her family persuade me to become vegetarian.. but ended up the other way round.. she is now addicted to non-vegetarian food.. no matter how i tell her not to eat those stuff again.. she ended up still eating non-vegetarian food.. but everytime see her never eat i really very xing ku.. for example.. today we went McDonalds.. she is not supposed to eat these food.. so i never buy any foodfor her.. at that moment seeing her eating the fries only..i will just keep telling myself.. my DeaR is starving.. all she can eat is fries.. i wan to buy vegetarian for her.. but she just don wan.. i also no mood to eat..

Everytime i wan buy or eat vegetarian food wif her.. she say.. i don wan..
I am really sinned.. im sorry god.. for what i have done to her..

2nd thing.. my skin problem.. my skin has worsen these few days.. its spreading.. more and more wounds that never heal in weeks or even months.. i really wan to cry.. i really don wan to go out.. i really don wan other pple to see me.. and say.. eeek.. why ur skin like that one..? im really sad.. even they don say.. i also know what they are thinking.. everyday i just can't be happier.. nobody understands.. even DeaR.. she will just tell me.. nvm i bring u go see skin specialist.. what use? always say only.. im really sad.. today taught her blading.. screamed like loud hailer.. i really feel like shouting at her.. but the feeling slowing fade off.. coz i love her a lot.. i don wan to make things big.. i wan her to be happy the whole day..

Comparing with other pple who has much more worser diseases or even cancers.. im luckier.. i should be happy.. but i just couldn't be happier each single day.. i cried..

3rd thing.. my mummy.. yesterday quarrel wif her abt the same old thing again.. why always remember the past so clearly..? why just can't look ahead of ur life and live happier..? (Am i refering to myself?) Yesterday i told her...

"Mummy.. my skin very itchy then like deteriorating.. how mum?

"See la.. last time keep eating potato chips and chillies.. now all come out.."

The next moment i just threw my ANGER to her..

"KAO! Mummy!! can u stop talking abt what i always ate last time? its been like so long ago lor.. why u keep mention abt it? u say liao got use meh? can't be just stop thinking of that? my skin now everyday getting worse.. and can't u say anything nicer?"

"Ya i know.. i just reminding u.. u know last time u eat de those stuff very oily u know.."

I really felt FUCK.. no comments..

"U see.. u and papa.. can't u just stop thinking last time how papa treated u and said those bad things to u? why u always remember all these bad things..? papa has changed a lot.. there are so many gd sides of him now.. why can't u just forgive him? all these years hes been giving us $.. 3 children.. sis 400 bro 400 me 300.. he is giving us $1100 a month.. every single month.. and both of u divorce so long already.. why still remember what he said to you in the past?

i will continue spamming all my sentences to her.. Never ending conversation.. she ended it wif..

"I will always remember what he did.. even i die i also remember.."

No comments.. why always when i talk to mum always turned out like that? why always quarrel? i keep thinking why theres no other stuff to talk to her..? i really feels bad.. leaving her alone.. the 3 of us staying in our rooms using our computer.. ignoring our mum.. haiz.. i really wan to do something abt it..

I don wan wait until i lost someone.. then i regretted that i never do all these.. Cherish your family members.. they are your closest kin..

One last sad thing for today.. at night.. 5 of us went bugis village and shop.. some point in time.. DeaR told me..

"Next time when u propose to me.. don buy a diamond for me.. i wan colourful gems.."

"Who say i wan to marry you?"

She turned away from me and tried to run but i pulled her

"I was kidding.. i wan to.."

I can feel her tears coming down.. but maybe my sense was wrong.. she smiled to me instead..

Though theres nth already but i keep asking myself.. why did i say that? i should be saying i will buy lots of gems to propose you.. am i backing up at the last min? or am i just joking? somehow was my today's mood that was affecting me..

Im sorry DeaR.. i wan to marry you.. u will always be my Dearest Laopo.. =)

2006-03-16T22:37:00.000+08:00

Quite disappointed wif my results.. 1 distinction thx to jek yew.. really without him i can perish in Business Management.. damn sia.. how hell these guys study one.. pple like him.. shawn.. wanyi.. how come sia.. am i born dumb or just can do only this far.. damnit.. forget it..

Life really bored sometimes.. doing the same stuff everyday.. lol.. dota.. dota.. dota.. this noah everyday and night dota one.. retard sia.. haiz.. next time go work also same stuff.. why am i so sad abt life.. zzz..

I know my English is very bad.. people tell me "Read more newspapers! Its gd for ur health and can improve ur angmo.." zzz.. i hate reading newspaper.. u know y.. whats so interesting reading pple die there and here.. how they died or how they got raped by some pussy bastard.. the moment i read i really feel fucked abt life.. take as example a girl being born till she is maybe around 21 yrs old.. know what..? suay suay.. tio raped.. thats it.. her life was stalked by this man who has touched her.. zzz.. so many bastard pple in this world..

worst thing.. natural disasters.. kao.. pple just live and die like that.. i really don wish to read or see all this anymore.. never ending tragic.. zzz..

Guys.. feel contented wif what u have.. even u are blind or crippled.. even if u have the worst family members or friends.. u still can live on and see the more beautiful sides of this world.. compare urself wif those who can't even choose how they live their lifes.. don grumble so much..

Live ur life to the fullest.. don turn back..

Happy Dog Year!

2006-01-30T00:46:00.000+08:00

Yaya! First day of CNY.. not so bad.. but not that happy also.. dunno why.. just feel every CNY is just another day.. But still getting angbao is still the happiest thing! haha..

wah seh.. today 7.30am woke up already.. dunno for what.. wake up first thing was on the laptop then RO already.. wah lan.. a lot of times is because of games then i unable to go back sleep again.. why sia.. the moment i wake i will think of games.. unlike school days.. wake up first thing is to go school study.. naturally will wanna go back slp somemore.. haha..

Then.. play play play.. hunting Wedding Dress and Veil for my DeaR.. so hard to hunt one.. hunted an hour give up already.. stupid orc lady keep saying "Look at my beauty" yucks.. the moment u see the word "OrC" u can imagine how ugly and disgusting a greenish face can be le.. haha.. Meanwhile ate some noodles cooked by my mum.. which tasted quite awefully.. haha.. shhh..

Suddenly.. OMG 9.30 already.. gotta leave hse wif my sister and bro le.. vroommmmm..

ahhh.. finally at papa's hse.. the MRT trip seems long sia.. haha.. go there first thing.. CNY! wanted to say wheres my angbao papa? haha.. end up never say and rather wait for him to give us.. haha.. See papa cooking then helped abit there and here..

What he cooked? Fish! Prawns! Sotong! Vegatables! Mushrooms! Chicken! + Soup! = SteamBoat ! wah seh.. its been a long time we ate till so shiok.. coz only dishes.. theres no rice at all!

haha.. full till wanna dropped dead on the spot already.. then 3 of us laid on the bed reading newspapers and novel.. then i wondering why papa still in the kitchen.. then again.. OMG.. is 2pm only.. hes already preparing stuff for dinner le.. so hardworking.. apparently we are too tired to help him and we gone to slp! haha..

ooo.. around 3.30 woke up.. except my bro.. perhaps hes slept too late playing dota last night.. haha.. dota addict.. must send him to drug addict place to reform him.. wats that place called.. refor.....? anyway.. i brought my laptop wif me.. then sister and I watch Detective Mok.. a hongkong series.. damn hilarious..

4.30pm.. see the time properly.. 4.30pm!! really OMG man.. papa cooked dinner already.. mee fen wif prawns and vegetables.. then we EAT again.. suddenly felt like pig.. eat and slp.. then eat again.. my god.. lucky my digestive system fast.. can eat again.. haha.. but i can see my sister and brother were dying.. swallowing the food.. actually me 2.. haha..

Talked cock and watch series till around 6.00pm.. meanwhile bathed also.. then we changed and hurried to Ah Gou's hse.. haha.. ah GOu? dog? haha..

happy CNY again.. angbao again.. a few only actually.. this year only got 4.. apparently is every year there are only 4 red packets.. like fixed like that.. nvm.. its ok.. better than nth.. haha.. then we sat there and chatted.. watch TV..

Their Hse got another cat!! picked from the wild somemore.. pro sia.. the cat dman nice.. the ears, face, 4 legs all black.. then the body abit of black and white.. damn nice.. and much more fatter than our 2 cats.. so blissful that cat.. haha.. im a cat lover i think.. perhaps not.. ;)

Haiz.. now already 1.15am le.. don blog liao.. don think can write finish.. tml then blog ba.. hehe.. baobao dear.. miss dear dear lots.. muacks!

2004-11-20T18:59:00.000+08:00

20 april 2004 - 20 nov 2004.. it's been seven months.. didn't expect that my relationship turn out so well.. i can still feel the freshness and sweetness between us.. so is she.. however.. we will start to get sick of each other one fine day.. hope that day will come a couple of decades later.. smile*

I guess I have to thank KaiJie and Ivy.. Hehe.. without these 2 important person.. my DeaR and i would never be able to know each other and went steady.. hee.. i will remember them forever.. but.. got some communication problems wif them.. dunno y.. nvm..

This is funny.. gotta pay back the time i owe my DeaR during these few months.. never pei her.. coz i preparing for my Os ma.. must pay interest somemore.. lol.. haha.. i will.. BuT hoRz.. she is the one say will wait for me one leh..? on her on accord what.. why need to pay her.. haha.. no matter what.. i will also pei her.. whenever i have the time.. no time.. also must dig out some time for her.. hee.. seriously i dug a lot le hoRz.. before my Os.. she should know.. haha..

HaiZ.. so sad.. every month de 20th always got something on.. then cannot go out wif my DeaR on this memorable day.. sigh.. next month.. DeC.. must celerbrate.. haha..

Hmm.. better don write so much here.. hee.. too expose le.. haha.. tell you in person better.. haha..

你是我这一生中最深爱的女人.. You are my "Only Love" and you will "Never be replaced"..
Love ya.. my DeaR..

2004-11-17T17:03:00.000+08:00

whAt a bad day.. although it was just one small incident.. but i think it was enuff to ruin my fUtuRe.. SO whaT was the damn incideNt..?

wHile doing the "O" geograpgy exam.. in the middle of the paper.. after 1hr.. i heard something that i shouldn't hear it.. guess what? A vibrator vibrating!! omG..!! of coz not.. a boy's school leH.. haha.. need that for whaT.. only girls need it.. haha.. it was a vibrator from a handphone.. lol.. i panic and look around.. wondering was whose.. then i began to check whether was it my handphone.. phew.. it wasn't mine.. i was glad.. and i felt safe.. but after awhile.. !!!!!!! i was still holding on my handphone! i panic! like a drenched chicken! oh damn.. what am i gonna do..?! oh shit! oh fuck! oh my god.. i was in a swirl.. i began to think whether should i surrender my handphone.. coz that fucker beside me.. his handphone was still vibrating.. and the invigilators that were walking.. pause by my side.. and listen.. thinking whether it was me.. i held my breathe.. continue to do my paper.. within secs.. they moved away.. i felt relieved.. the moment i thought of the invigilators suspecting me.. check my pockets of the exam.. i became nervous.. i couldn't hold my bladder as if there was a litre of urine waiting to release.. without hesitation.. i waved up my hand and handed my handphone to one of the invigilators.. lol.. she thought i wanted more papers.. haha.. sigh.. i was been told by the Head of Chief to see him after the paper end.. sigh.. i kept telling myself why i so dumb that i surrendered my handphone.. they could still say i cheated during that 1hr.. sigh.. i threw behind those negative thoughts and continued doing my paper.. the paper was easy.. but it seems i would get a O mark if they say me cheated.. sigh..

Everything was gone.. the thoughts of going JC.. getting gd result on this subject.. i was disappointed with myself.. scolding myself why i so careless.. the Head Of Chief had reminded all of us to keep our handphones in our bags.. but i just neglected.. thinking that those reminders are useless.. becoz i always put inside my bag.. but i was wrong.. i made a grave mistake.. i have no one to blame.. but myself.. sigh..

I am very sad and upset.. deep inside my heart.. but i didn't showit to anybody.. i dunno why i listen to those melancholy music.. make myself sadder.. lol.. siao.. haha.. but.. it cannot be redone.. like my DeaR said.. think so much also no use.. it also cannot change anything.. it has become history le.. so i always remain happy.. haha.. lol.. haiz.. sigh.. dunno why the things turned out so bad.. cheating in exam is an indictable offence.. haiz.. don wan to talk abt this liao.. so sad.. hope nothing will happen.. coz they don have evidences to say me cheat..

HooRay! 5-6 days more! then my Os finish le.. so happy.. got many many things things to DO! but then.. i wan to go work.. so a lot of things no time do.. guess the rest of my time i can afford.. go pei my lonely DeaR DeaR.. sad sad.. she suffered for so many days.. coz of me don have time to pei ta.. haha.. lol.. still can laugh.. haha.. stay happy.. my DeaR.. miss ya lots.. remember to decorate my blog.. haha.. love ya..

2004-10-04T16:34:00.000+08:00

Today i got all my results.. It is very very good compared to all my friends.. Only about 3% of the whole cohort of 5N got below 20 points for L1R4.. and i am one of them.. of coz i shine brightly infront of them.. and can say i am the cleanest one in a filthy rubbish bin.. so what..? my results are uncomparable to those Express students.. English- C5, Chinese B3, Maths A1, D&T B4, Science B4, Combined Humanities F9!
What kind of results is this? kao.. still can shine sia.. ya hoRz.. of coz can shine.. in a filthy rubbish bin loRz.. i have nothing to comment on others' results.. totally helpless.. think they are going ITE soon..

25 Days more to Os.. can't believe that my classmates still can play ping pong ball in class.. somemore the teacher in class.. my friends just don give a damn and carry on playing.. lol.. what a useless teacher..

Lessons just can't carry on.. and the purpose of coming school is to gain knowledge and learn things.. looks like it defeats the purpose.. end up i went to school today and rot.. this is sad.. teachers are useless.. they can't even control the students.. even worse is.. instead of calling the discipline master to come and punish us.. he/she gave us work and do and he just sat there.. rot somemore! we do the work.. only answers are given.. no explanation! kao.. how to surivie? lucky i have a sister to help me with my work.. fuck the teachers who teach me this year.. except Mrs Olsen(maths) and Mrs Chang(chem).. they tried their best.. i can see.. heng.. never disappoint Mrs Olsen.. but i let Mrs Chang down.. haiz.. nvm.. still got 1 more chance (Os) to make them shine infront of their colleges..

Every subjects is left to surivie on my own.. i managed to pass.. but others just can't make it without teachers' help.. what a suay year.. all the lousy teachers teaching 5Ns and good teachers teaching the 4Es.. fuck the principal.. stupid botak.. haiz..

It is been 4 days since i last seen my DeaR.. miss her so much.. just scolded her yesterday for not studying.. her exams is these 2 weeks.. and she yesterday she still can go her uncle's house and cook and play.. her results are so bad.. failed every subjects except Chinese for CA2.. first half of the year also very lousy.. gone case.. dunno this year she will retain or not.. hope she can make it.. then i scolded her still quite cham.. say her always waste time and never study.. on the verge of retaining still can go play.. then she never reply me.. she must be angry wif me.. i thought..
I sms her and say sorry to her.. and don angry with me..
Her reply surprised me.. "i won't be angry wif u.. I noe ni shi wei wo hao.. dan xin wo.. Den will sae me de.. I understand de.. perhaps if in the first place u didn't sae anthing.. I might not even bother to think abt studies.. Glad tat dere is u to care abt me.."
She is so understanding.. unlike me.. the moment my mum see me wasting time and scold me.. i flare up my temper and quarrel wif her.. i feel so bad.. haiz.. hope next time i can control my temper.. sorry mummy.. i know you care for me.. but i just don care.. sorry..

2004-10-03T11:25:00.000+08:00

haha.. never thought that i also write my diary online.. i write on my diary book till sian liao.. waste my ink.. then later my hands tired.. think write here better.. so easy.. just type what you wan to say..
I hate my future.. i could predict how boring it was.. currently studying in sec5.. preparing for the stupid and idiotic "O" lvls.. bloody heLL.. i always have this mindset.. studying so much also no use.. if suay suay kena bang by car then all the years you studied all no use.. so why bother to study so much? in this compeitive world.. all you need to use this brain and mouth.. who cares whether how much you study.. haiz.. my future.. the moment i think i wanna die.. i lost my freedom.. everything.. i have to make it to university.. go poly or JC to there? either way will mould me into a nerd.. keep studying and studying.. only know abt books.. dunno what is happening around me.. actually i dunno why i must go university.. i never wanted to be a rich man.. or something successful in my career.. i just wanted a simple life.. a simple life.. however.. is impossible in this freaking world.. everything need $$.. eat.. live.. pay bills.. fuck man.. why can't everything be free? damnit.. 1/4 of my life have to study.. 1/2 of my life have to work.. another quarter of my life just left there to rot and die.. kao.. wht bother to live? life is so meaningless.. until i found myself a girlfriend.. my world become brighten.. thanks to her.. but now.. i think i have to leave her if i go JC.. i will have no time for her.. unless i go poly.. but.. from poly to university? sucicde man.. fuck la.. for me from JC to unversity also fuck.. damnit la.. i really dunno what to do.. i wanted die.. i wanted cry.. when the moment i thought abt this fucking thing.. i haven tell her abt this.. coz she is still having her exams.. her results is bad.. i don wan her to be sad and think over this thing and affect her exams.. i have promised to do many things wif her after my Os.. but.. all will be gone.. she have waited me since the day we go steady together.. i will have to disappoint her if i go JC.. everything will be gone.. including our relationship.. she is such a nice girl.. i am very sure that she is willing to wait for me for another 2-3 years after my JC.. but no use.. still got NS.. 2 years.. then by the time i go university she already completed her poly and go out work.. so i have to let her go.. let her go.. i dunno what i will become..
haIZ.. better settle my Os this year.. many of my primary friends already completed.. and i still on it.. i am such a failure.. haiz.. i slack too much this year.. i always slack.. even tml is exam.. you can still see me slacking.. and play.. i can't believe it.. why am i like that.. i always think it will be okay for me.. no problem one.. but always end up the other way.. fuck sia.. sometimes i studied like mad.. then the results still so suck.. nothing to say.. last month de prelim is the best example.. i really never study much.. very little.. mum is right.. to her.. i always waste my time and play.. always quarrel wif her.. and i always insisted that i got study a lot.. hai.. 1 month to my Os.. have to study.. plz.. must..

sad day

2004-10-02T18:29:00.000+08:00

sad day